unpermitted

I didn't ask for your help. I didn't turn to you in a time of need. I didn't ask you to fix me. 

YOU. dreamt up a scenario where I wanted your help or I needed you to fix things.
UMM NO. Not only that, but you concluded that was what God wanted you to do.
THIS. because you had a crush and you wanted a way to wiggle into my world.

SMART MOVE. NOT.

Yea, right.
"God" wanted you to tell me:
That you were here to save the day because I'm struggling with the church. That you had prayed, read the Bible, and tried to figure out how to go about this. That I was in the wrong for stepping away from ministry.

HMM...SMOOTH MOVE.

NO. You are not my superman. 

NOR. will you ever be. 

CUT. the Sister/Brother-in-Christ crap. My relationship with God is just that.
I didn't ask for your accountability. I never trusted you. I never planned to let you in.
I'm NOT okay with you thinking you get to do that. It's NOT okay.

YOU DON'T GET TO BRING "GOD" INTO A SITUATION TO GET WHAT YOU WANT!!!

YOU DON'T GET TO ENTER INTO A VULNERABLE SITUATION THE WAY YOU DID!!!

FIND ANOTHER GIRL. FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL PLAY YOUR CAT-TOY TYPE GAME.

IT WONT EVER BE ME.

The Unexpected Lesson

I attended a local church on Sunday to hear a good friend preach. He did a great job! 

Three key nuggets I really appreciated:

1. You cannot out-sin grace.

2. We cant allow ourselves to be defeated even before the day begins. We have to wake up remembering who and what we are to Christ.

3. "But Jesus..." because of Jesus our lives are altered, changed, and set apart. Jesus did things that may have not been ordinary in the midst of the context but he did them with purpose.

________________________________

Furthermore - after my friend finished sharing the message...the pastor stood in front of the congregation and resigned. I witnessed the raw-real-pain that both the pastor and parishioners. I was warned beforehand that it was going to take place. But what I didn't realize is that God would use that to further my understanding of grief.

Grief is a response to loss, particularly to loss of someone or something  to which a bond or affection was formed. 

This pastor lost his wife September 2014, fifteen months later he is starting to find his way out of an overwhelming sense grief. While he may have worked through the loss of his wife, he said so much pain was experienced in the midst of missing her. He was trapped by reminders that fed the pain and sadness of her not being there anymore. He couldn't find relief being in the midst of his daily "normal" life. Walking into the church and not seeing her standing at the reception desk, or not hearing her laugh at his jokes in the sermons, or the absence of her presence on stage during worship - all triggered the grief, full swing.

God started shining a light onto the grieving process (yes, months later). The hard thought of leaving the church, after serving faithfully for years, was placed on his heart. Such a thought created fear and anger towards God, but after trying to push it away, a sense of peace swept over the pastor. God introduced a significant change in order to find relief. Relief that would continue to guide the pastor out of grief so that he could live fully the life God has for him. A path that would provide more healing and alleviate some of the agonizing pain the grieving process has put upon him.

As I sat listening to the heartfelt resignation  I couldn't help but think about the "grief" within my own life. Refusing to believe that even after so much time has past that it all still affects me. Refusing to believe that there are things that trigger such pain in my life. But while I strive to refuse it all, I find myself with a lump in my throat holding back the tears. Grief is loss. Loss can happen in many ways. I lost so many things that meant the world to me; all in an unfathomable time-frame. And, because I refused to accept it, to face my grief, there are days in which it overwhelms me. And despite my best efforts to keep pressing forward, in the same path I felt God calling me on for so long, I haven't been able to. That very journey plays the primary triggers of my grief. Though I hate change and would fight it till the cows come home - I think God wants and needs me to take a detour for awhile (fingers crossed ---awhile). My calling to church ministry is still so strong. Serving people and the church provides so much happiness to this girl's heart. Seeing ministries flourish is a fiery passion of mine. So walking away from such a context is something I've been fighting.  Yet, as I walk into a new endeavor and away from the original plan....I hear the reassurance that "it's going to be okay."  That maybe there will come a time where it'll come full circle and then things will make more sense. A time after the grieving process. A time when I will be able to full be and do all that God calls me to in the formality of church ministry. The grieving process doesn't have a specific time stamp. We all process differently at a different pace. Certain loss may need a longer grieving period than others. It's just so important that we remember to not get stuck in the grieving process. Though we've lost, our lives still continue to move on...and we have to move with it (cringing as I write that...I HATE SAYING THAT). It's hard. It takes time. It's a process. And IT'S OKAY.

So, today I walked into a church to give support to a friend -- and I left having learned more than I could've possible asked for. #grief #process #movingon #pain

Coping

READ:
Coping With Stress and Burnout in Youth Ministry: A conversation with Carmen Renee Berry | Youth Specialties | All about youth ministry.

"Before long, unless we begin by acknowledging to ourselves that we're living an addictive lifestyle, we'll hit burnout. And something will die."

Keep telling myself the age of twenty-one I shouldn't have experienced this...it's not possible. But that's a lie. It's happened. I hit the bottom. Trying to heal and recover is a hard process of which I am in. It isn't fun, it hurts.

Ministry is my world - my purpose and as it has became harmful based upon the situation...it has shook me and it's terrifying.

The road ahead is uncertain, but one thing is for sure. I have to find my way back.

HOPEFULLY sooner rather than later.

Amnesia

I wish that I could wake up with Amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things. 

If I could just wake up with amnesia - this pain, heartache, and sad thoughts would no long exist within my mind. But while I would forget all those moments instilled into me, I would also forget the good times. I would forget all the amazing people I've grown to love. I'd cease to remember the fun had with them and all the intimate times shared. I wouldn't remember all the things they've taught me. I wouldn't be the same "gifted-talented" person people seem to think I am. I would not know how to do the things I love to do. I would restart life's thought process, apart from the basic innate abilities.

So would I really want to wake up with amnesia?
I wish the answer was YES.
PLEASE. EASY CHOICE.
But it's not.

Learning to work through the pain staking moments life has and will bring my way. 

A Parallel Exhortation

Jesus sought guidance and strategy from His father through prayer:

God spoke  and reminded Jesus that although things looked like he should stay in this town where people were readily responding, the other towns needed him as well. It was time to go, contrary to the disciples pleading with him to stay there to capitalize on the success he was having. 

It's been a rough go this year. 2014 will probably go down as one of the most challenging years of my life - and rightfully so.  The struggle of many trials, much heartache, and change have simply stripped me. Wiped me clean of joy and fiery passion. Needing for things to get better I've spent much time praying, studying, seeking (wise) advice, striving to hear God, and trying to discover direction.

The exhortation above is parallel to what God has been trying to help me realize.

It has been a long time coming - and it deeply saddens me to say I've had to walked away from my town. The town were I invested so much of my life. The town I felt safe in, the one I had big dreams for. But even more so, I've had to walk away from this town where the people meant the world to me. These people I've served and served alongside of. The people I've loved as MY FAMILY. The people who invested in me for almost 11 years. The people who helped shape me and make me the person I am today. These people (and ministries) that I've poured my life into for the sake of God's Kingdom -I am sadly leaving behind because God has spoke. Reminding me through many avenues, that JUST like Jesus - there are other towns. Times up. "It's time to go." 

I've been reluctant and probably disobedient for a bit too long. I've had a lot of success inside those safe walls. I've learned more about ministry than most any 21 year old would care to (both good and bad), inside that town. I've developed my gifts and abilities within those city limits. There are people and "little people" who mean the world to me  -who I don't want to leave behind. I don't want to miss seeing them grow. I don't want to miss out on impacting them. I don't want to miss seeing them form into the person God intends for them to be. I planted my heart there, with them- and yet it's time. Time for me to leave the harvest for someone else to tend.

Wise councilmen -who also double as my friends/mentors have given me this advice:

"It's a big world and there's more to it than just my little town.""Let God direct your decisions."

They've both constantly reminded me that God will do big things if I just let Him.
It may seem scary. I may experience uncertainty. But I need to trust and place my faith God.

Today it became real.

Today it became real.

My partner-in-crime stood in front of our church family this morning and announced his departure.
Packed up his office and shredded old documents.

From church ministry back into the classroom full-time.

I've known for some time now about him leaving. Yet with every passing day- I swallowed a little harder, tried not to cry (to much), and hope that this day would never come. He is one person I prayed would never disappear from my life because he's played such a supportive role in who I've become.

He has been my youth pastor, friend, mentor, father figure, coworker, and most importantly someone I've actually trusted with anything. We are a lot alike and spending almost 11 years interacting may have something to do with that. I've picked up a lot of his quirks, sense of humor, and habits (good&bad). He's taught me so much about ministry, sports, and life in general (probably math, spelling, & grammar too). I've learned a lot of important life lessons from him. He has shown me what it's like to be a part of a family who loves/cares for each other - one that takes time to support those they love. He's been a superb example of what a Godly father and man should look like. 

11 years ago,  never would I have thought that this man would become such a big part of my life. He actually scared me -as most people did. He taught me things he probably has no idea he ever did. He taught me to be brave. To take chances. Give people a 2nd (maybe even a 3rd or 4th) chance no matter how badly they hurt you. He taught me how to trust. That life wont always be easy. Trust God wholeheartedly. Obey God and His plan for your life will be evident -may not always be what you expected. He never hesitated to make sure I knew how talented and gifted God created me. That I knew God gave me a purpose, even when life feels empty and pointless.

Yet over the past 11 years, the most important thing he's instilled in me, is that I was merely loved. Loved even when I screwed up or let him down. Loved in the most innocent, pure, Godly way -just as I loved him in return. ** 

**A lot of people don't get it -they never have. They've placed their own judgement and assumptions on our friendship (relationship) over the years. Yet if I were to look at their lives they've had someone who's in fact played such a role in their life, as He has in my life. Wasn't worth fighting with others, because our friendship was just that, a friendship.

Saying goodbye; This isn't gunna be easy.
My world is going to be a little darker, a little less joyful, and disheartening as I learn to manage without him by my side. It been a struggle the past few weeks as he hasn't been around as he is trying to get things in order to teach again. While it is sad, I know he is doing something that brings him joy. That's been one thing I've tried to hold to - When you love someone, you want them to be happy. He lights up when we have conversations about this opportunity. It's not something he sought out either. This opportunity was placed before him by God and God alone. So while I'm mad, sad, crushed I know he is obeying the call God has placed on him...and I have to be okay with that. He is going to be happy. He's going to be doing something he loves, living out his dream (again)-one that was stripped from him in such a unjust way.

One thing I can say for sure: God has proven faithful in the events of Mark's life

Memory-drawing

This semester I took a drawing class. I've always loved art, and I love being creative. As finals rolled around we had the opportunity to choose what we wanted to draw. So naturally my mind went straight to the idea of drawing something for someone I love to give to them for Christmas.

As I worked hard to brainstorm ideas and put concepts together I began the process of creating a work of art. Weeks pasted and I poured hours into my art - as any perfectionist would do. If I was going to give this project to someone I love, I wanted it to be perfect.

In the back of my mind though I was plagued with a memory I will probably never forget. As a little girl I use to draw/color photos for my dad, then give them to him when I would see him. One time I was proudly coloring a photo for him at his house and as I finished I wrote -
To: Dad
Love: Cassie
Then I walked up to my dad and gave it to him.
At that moment my dad told me he didn't want anymore pictures - he was tired of them and didn't know what to do with them except throw them away.
My little heart was crushed. But even back then I held in the tears, tried to swallow the frog in my throat, and act like everything was okay. Since that day I've struggled with the concept of drawing or creating works of art to give people.

Nevertheless with this drawing I wanted to do a good job. I wanted to give my best friend/mentor/true father figure a work of art that he'd truly enjoy having. It was a struggle because it had to be perfect - not only due to my perfectionism. I wanted him to know I worked hard to create this especially for him. I appreciate him, I care for him, and he means the world to me.

My second final drawing is for my outstanding soccer coach - who I look up to and enjoy getting to work for. He is so compassionate and understanding.  Even though he's young he has so much wise advice to give. I can talk to him about anything and he's always there with open ears. 

I know.

I've come to realize that I don't belong here. I never have and I never will. I'll never be important to someone. I'll never fit in. I've watched time and time again people walk out of my life. I wasn't good enough to keep around - no matter how hard I tried to make them happy or how much love I poured into them. Even the people I cared most about decided I wasn't worth it anymore, even after years of enjoying life by their side. The people I trusted with ever fiber of my being, the people I loved more than anyone else. When I needed them most, I watched them walk the other way.

Unfortunately, I have to come the conclusion that I won't mean anything to anyone - I wasn't put on earth for people to love, to care about, or to live happily-ever-after. I was put here to serve and love others. It doesn't matter if people hurt or ridicule me. It doesn't matter at all...because they will. It's inevitable. I have a purpose. I'm here to represent the Kingdom of God, despite it all. I may never be good enough for anyone on earth - but I am good enough for God. It's hard. It's hard to know I'll give my whole life for others and experience heartbreak like no other. But that's what Jesus did for us.

I don't ever desire for someone to experience the hurt and gut wrenching feeling of not having someone care about them. We live in a world with 7 billion people. Yet people are so caught up in themselves or what others say that many people will leave the world feeling hopelessly alone -all because people don't care how badly they hurt someone else as long as they save their own skin.

Self-Examination

Tonight I read the title of my assigned reading for my Evangelism & Discipleship class, instantly I felt I didn't want to read this stupid chapter...I HATE IT! But I read on, then in an instant I was balling my eyes out.

The first few paragraphs gripped my heart so much that I thought I would share it:

"There comes a time in the spiritual life when one of the major things God is up to is to loving help us see ourselves more clearly. This is a most challenging element of the spiritual life, one that most of us shrink from with more than a little bit of dread. Some of us have been so shaped by shame-based family or church systems that we resist entering into deeper levels of self-knowledge for fear of feeling debilitated by shame or swept away by remorse. For others, our sense of worth is so fragile or our perfectionism so pronounced that we are not sure we could bear facing the truth of our own darkness without becoming completely unraveled. 
And yet one of the deepest longings of the human heart is to be known and loved unconditionally. We long to know that someone in this world knows everything about us and loves us anyway. Beyond the surface affirmations that come through our achievements and social contacts, we long to be seen and celebrated for that which is deeply good and worthwhile in us, and we long for a love that is strong enough to contain our frailty and sinfulness. Something in us knows that such love is a transforming power.
The problem is that most of us aren't wiling to take the risk of being so completely. There is always something we're hiding for fear that we will be rejected in the end. We may have gotten close to the possibility of this kind of love at one time or another, but we haven't known how to let it penetrate our defenses so that we can receive it. All of us would prefer to have the experience of unconditional love without having to take the risk of letting someone know us that well!
The desire and the need for unconditional love are heightened as we become more aware of those places where we are not like Christ - an inevitability of spiritual journey. As we become more spiritually attuned, we become painfully aware of how negative thought patterns and relating patterns hurt ourselves and others. We see the places where we are incapable of love and true self-giving. We realize that our responses to wounds we've received have caused us to become hard and self-protective. We notice the subtleties of our jealousies  our mean-spiritedness, our manipulations, our controlling ways, and our mistrust of God and others that keeps us from giving ourselves wholeheartedly  Having tried every self-help approach we know, we are devastated to admit that real, fundamental change is beyond our reach. The heart cries out to be free from its bondage."

Important

There is someone that I look up to, that I trust more than anyone, and that I have learned so much from. I've not known him my whole life, but I wish I had. He has impacted me more in the past 10 years than anyone else here on earth has. I like to call him my best friend...but that doesn't do it justice... because he isn't my best friend. He is my hero, my biggest role model, and rightfully so my father figure. But to jam-pack all that he is into one... I use the term best friend. People don't get it -so I find its important to explain that's what he is. I never in a million years would have thought he would be so important to me or play such a big role in who I've become. To be honest at first he was just another scary person. (Since people have always scared me.) But over the years my trust in him grew, and he became so influential in my life. He's one of the very few people I can trust. Though there have been times he's yelled at me for being stupid, or when I've annoyed the heck out of him...I wouldn't trade all that for the world. With those moments I saw what a great dad he would of been, and what a great father figure he has been to me. I've only ever desired to make him proud of who I have become...especially since he has played such a significant role in my life. He has constantly supported me in whatever dreams or goals I've wanted to achieve. He came to numerous soccer games, long drawn out band concerts, and other school activities...that my parents never really cared to attend. He has taught me so much about who God is, not only because that's his job...but because I've seen him grow more to be like Christ in ever challenge and obstacle he has faced. I've learned how to brave and strong because of the example he has set forth. I've learned how to care about people, and how to treat even those who I cannot stand. He has taught me that life wont always be easy, but it'll be worth the ride if you just hold on tight enough. I've learned that people will hurt others, they will destroy them if they get the chance...but DON'T EVER let them get the best of you. DON'T EVER let what others say control your actions...yea he has taught a lot.

I wish I would have had the privileged of calling him dad...or therefore daddy. I wish he would have been the one to coach my little league teams, teach me how to tie my shoes, take me to the big games, tuck me in at night, and most of all to tell me that he was proud of his little girl. But God didn't seem to put that in the plans for either of us. Nether one of us will ever have those memories. God did know that these past 10 years and many years to come that I would need him. I would need him to talk to, to teach me things nobody else ever has, to yell at me when I'm stupid, and to set forth a godly example.

I wish that people understood that I look up to him like I do and that he's so important to me.

Yes, I trust him and not just for any old reason.

God Made Her Special

This girl was specially handcrafted by God.

She was made with an uncommon mind and such a unique heart.
She understands more than most people her age should.
She's observant beyond belief.
She can see what people are thinking or feeling without even having to exchange a single word.

God made her special

When she loves someone, on any level, she loves them deep. (That's why it doesn't happen all to often.) Shallow love makes her sick.
She knows heartbreak oh too well, not because of boys...but because the people she loved let her down or they decided she wasn't good enough to have around.
She knows her heart is special because when it breaks, it brings physically pain.
When she hurts, you can see it in her eyes, because they change bright blue or bright green when she cries.

God made her special.

You can count on less than one hand the amount of people she has fully ever placed her trust in.
She doesn't talk to just anyone, let alone anyone. But you wanna bet she'll always be there to help you when you need a hand.
God gave her a tremendous amount of talent, and not once has she taken that for granted.
She doesn't fit in, no not at all. But God created her to always stand tall.

God made her special

It's Been Awhile...Since I Thought of You

For some reason I missed you a lot this week...which didn't make it very easy to get through. Not one specific thing brought you to mind. Everything I do is a constant reminder of what you taught me and instill within me.  This week, all I could do was remember how much I wish you were still a part of my life. All the funny moments we shared rushed back to memory, and this time instead of laughter those memories only brought tears. I want to be so mad at you and forget you... but I can't.

Turns out this week [more so today] marked a big achievement for you.  

So I find it strange that I missed you so much.

Maybe-Never

Sometimes you just want a chance. The chance to feel completely loved by someone.

I've always been the girl with all the guy friends...and that's it. Don't get me wrong I love my guy friends...but sometimes watching other girls have that dating relationship and never getting a chance is heart breaking. Yeah, its probably a good thing I never had to deal with relationship drama. But God has placed so many wonderful Godly men in my path and I've been really good friends with them...but when do I get a chance. With college there comes a lot of pressure to find the one you'll spend your whole life with. After college your suppose to start your career and your family. You won't have as many opportunities to meet people. So you've got 4 maybe 5 years to find someone if you haven't by then. I've never even dated (that's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I've been okay with it.)

Now I want that chance though! I've been dealing with the thought of possibly never getting married...I don't know if I'd be okay with that or not. Honestly, I would love to just focus on the ministry God has called me to and that be it. But...Would I be happy enough doing that without someone by my side? Am I ever going to be good enough for someone? I can't answer these questions. Only God knows what's in store for my life...but I am becoming impatient and my heart is growing weary.  

I don't know if I'll ever get married. If I don't I will have to be happy enough to know that's what God wanted for me...to know that God will use that for His glory... I will have to be okay with that.

Wrestling Mind

I never really wanted to share this with anyone...but now that I have lost almost 70lbs and my body doesn't seem to want to lose any more weight...its started to bother me again. I didn't really lose all this weight to benefit myself. Yes, I like that I did lose that much and I look better...but its never gunna seem like enough to me. I started to realize that its kinda scary to realize I won't be able to go back to living a normal life...that could be good...but I know at the same time its not. There has always been a reason behind wanting to lose this weight. Honestly- I chose to lose this weight so they'd realize I am worth it.

That's how it all started out-- but lately that's not what it's stayed about.

I don't know exactly how to explain what has gone on lately in my life. I feel lost. I feel like I don't know where I am suppose to be, or what I am suppose to be doing...and it's probably the first time I have actually felt this way. I am back where I belong with the people I love most...yet I can't get a hold of my self. I can't seem to talk my self into believing everything is gunna be okay again. I'm scared. I'm terrified of losing my best friend. I am scared I'll have to walk away from my world again...and only to fail once again. I CAN'T FAIL. My failures cause people to be disappointed. I can't handle being told I failed someone or that I am a disappointment. I don't understand why someone would tell someone that to begin with. But I was informed that I was a big disappointment, when I gave up my world to try and better something. All it did was destroy who I am. Lately I've told people I don't know what God's purpose was for allowing me to go through that and I get the same answer...maybe it was so you can learn something...learn I am a disappointment...yah God just what I needed to find out. I know I sound mad at God, but I'm not...I am frustrated to the max. I know that I learned a few other small things...but was it really worth that pain God?

So with all that said, losing weight lately has become an outlet in my life. I've lost control of everything else and I feel like my body is the one thing I can control. I gained a few pounds back this past week and I felt devastated...I NEED this.

.Everywhere I turn these past couple of days I find God reminding me that it shouldn't matter how I look on the outside. God created me the way I am. I am loved. But it's a struggle. Sometimes after years of being made fun of for being fat, or not being good enough for someone...there comes a breaking point when you'd do ANYTHING to fix who you are...but that takes a toll on a person...physically, mentally, and emotionally.

My Calling

These past few months have been challenging emotionally and spiritually.  Finding out that I could have the opportunity to go follow my calling, but leave almost everything I love behind was such a struggle. But I knew God brought the opportunity to me, so I needed to give it a shot. I was very uncertain of what was gunna happen, if I was able to do it at all, or even if I would be any good at it. At times I even questioned my calling.

Unfortunately under circumstances, after only a few months I realized I had to give up this opportunity. In realizing that I couldn't stay I knew that I was gunna hurt those that I was sent to minister to. It broke my heart, because I knew they really needed/need someone in their lives in my position. But I also figured I wasn't there for very long so it would be okay...they weren't that attached. Boy...was I wrong. Which made it even harder for me to say goodbye. The only easy part about giving it up was knowing that I was going back to where I belong, to my home, back to my true family. I questioned my calling again...maybe I wasn't called to do this after all...because it was so hard for me to leave to begin with and I really don't ever want to leave again. I didn't understand why God would give me an opportunity like that and then tell me time was up in such a short period of time. I still don't quite get it, and transitioning back feels funny. I know God wants m to learn something out of this....and in a way I have...yet I feel like there is more.

Recently I have had some "God Sightings".
Through them I have to come to realize these things:
I know I am called to make my career in ministry. I'm not sure if it is "youth," but I know for sure that I am called to be a pastor of some sort within a church...more than likely within my own! I know for sure that I impacted some of my students lives for the glory of God. They really did care that I was there and they enjoyed the time that I took to invest in their lives.

We will see where God takes me from here.

Lesson: The Odd Life of Timothy Green

"Never give up"

   ---We hear this a lot. But there are times in life when you hear these words and somehow you realize you can carry on. Even when things are not going well, even when life hurts. No matter what we face we have to keep on going. It could just be something small that's to hard for us to get through, but we cant give up, not until God makes it evident that we tried, we gave it our all. More importantly we must remember never to give up on our dreams and goals in life. Because if we have a relationship with God we should dream big. So big that nothing could crush those dreams. If they are truly dreams worth having in your life, God will make them happen or your desire for them will dissipate.

"I gave them all away, that’s what you do with gifts."

 (His leaves, those things his parents wanted him to be/do were his gifts[his leaves.])

     --- All of us have special gifts and talents. We need to use them. God expects us to use them especially to honor Him. Use them to help the people around us, the things we are involved in, and in ever aspect we can. What good is it to hold on to them for ourselves?

"Here is what I know:

If you came to me and said there are two people in the world who want you more than anything. They’ll do their best, they’ll make some mistakes, and you’ll only get them for a short time. But they’ll love you more than you could ever imagine. Then when that’s true, I’d say so much is possible."

       ---God will place certain people in your life. They'll do their best for you. They wont be perfect(who is?)  Unfortunately sometimes even the greatest people we meet and love will only be around for a certain time[a season in our life.] When these people leave you its not always easy for them or for you. They do care about you, especially if God put them there for you. But sometimes God knows they need to go help other people, they need to move on for their own sake, or their time is up. 

The Best of 2012

Well here in the last few minutes of 2012 I thought I would share my final thoughts:

This year has not been easy by NO means. But I was never alone in the struggles I faced. God gave me many great opportunities throughout 2012 many of which have helped shape me into a better person...the person that God desires for me to be. God has shown me this year the people who truly care about me and the people who really are my family. It was defiantly a life changing year.

(will be continued....)


Happy New Year!

If I Didn't Have You

Lately I have been struggling so much. I can't pin point why but I have been feeling unbearably sad. I mean I could tell you why I think I feel this way...but I'm not quite sure you'd understand. Life just isn't right. Maybe I chose the wrong path. Maybe I thought wrong about what God was calling me to do. On top of it all I can't seem to figure out why the one person I want to be with could make me as happy as he does and yet want someone else. There are just so many things going through my head that some days it makes me feel sick, and so sad that I don't care to be around people.

But there is one person in my life that no matter what I am facing I can't stand to be away from for to long. He hasn't always been a part of my life, but I don't know how I ever made it through life without him. I am so lucky to have had him in my life for 9 years now! He has been there for some of the hardest years of my life, and I couldn't have asked for anyone better! He is my hero, my greatest role model, my father figure, and most importantly my best friend! We have been through a lot together. We have had our ups and downs. He's put up with me and loved me through some of the most difficult situations. He has shown me what caring for someone is all about. Loving someone isn't always easy, but its your duty to do what's best for the other person -- that is something he has shown me. He has taught me what it takes to be many things, especially how to be a great pastor. He's has been there for me during many of my heartaches and the times when I didn't know if I could make it through. He has shown by example how to trust God. I've been alongside him for sometime now and he has taught me more than anyone else ever has in my life. He's so smart and good at what he does. There are a lot times I do things just like him without even thinking about it, some good and some are bad habits I have picked up...but I've never wanted to be more like anyone else in my entire life...except for like Christ. But that's just it. What he does follows in suit of how God calls us to live our lives here on earth. I could go on and on about him for a long time. He has a big place in my heart and I never want to lose him. I am so thankful God place him into my life! I know God knew at the time, but there was no way the first time we meet, that either one of us would have ever thought we would have the relationship we do today. God knew what he was doing. I couldn't live life without him and God knew that. I love him so much. I'd never make it through, if I didn't have him.

I couldn't live without you 

I wouldn’t want to

If you didn’t love me so much

I’d never make it through

‘Cuz this life would kill me

This life would kill me if I didn't have you.

I’m safe in your arms, you rescue me.

When I’m weak, you’re strong

If you were gone I don’t know where I’d be

{IF I DIDN'T HAVE YOU - THOMPSON SQUARE}

Pay it Forward Event

Pay it Forward  

My home church, Faith Community Church, put on a event called "Pay it Forward." Over the past  few months we have been collecting different items such as clothing, housewares, furniture, blankets, toys, etc.   All of these items were donated. This event was planned to bless those in need. We know that in today's economy many people could use a little bit of extra help and we wanted to be able to do something about it. The cool thing is that people in our community also wanted to help. It was amazing to see all the donations that poured in...especially as the event got closer. 

I am proud to be a part of the FCC  family. So many people from our congregation came together to set up for this event on Wednesday night. Tons of people were hanging clothes and organizing other items. It was a lot of work going through the boxes of stuff donated and it took many more hours throughout the weeks before to get things ready. I am so blessed to work alongside a few people who did take the time out of their hectic week to  make sure things were ready. I am especially blessed to have helped my best friend/youth pastor work on things during Thanksgiving break.

We were not sure what kind of turnout we would have or even how things would go. But we hoped for the best! 

This morning , people were lined up outside at 7:30ish for an event that didn't even start till 9. It was kind of intimidating! 

Turns out today, 300+ people came through the doors of FCC to a jam-packed gymnasium where every item was free for the taking. 

Now I know what your thinking...WHAT CHAOS! Ha don't worry...they were let into the gym gradually...no black Friday stampedes happened here! 

It was awesome to see people enjoying the opportunity to even just get used items. A lot of people desperately needed this stuff just to get by. 

I know a lot of times we focus a lot more on people in other countries who are less fortunate, but sometimes we have to remember there are people struggling right next door to us. They may have clean drinking water and a roof over their heads, and we should all be thankful for that. But people here in America need help too.  This event wasn't just about helping people either, it was about showing God's love in a tangible way. A way that people could experience a taste of what God's love is like.

 Thank you-- to all of you who volunteered today and for those who donated time, energy, and the items that helped make it all possible! 

Chippy Left My World

This week my boy left this world. :'(

My heart hurts like crazy....he was so special to me.

We got him when he was 15 months old. His former owner treated him so badly. Because of being treated that way he was terrified of people. In which case we couldn't ride him, touch more than his nose, or get his feet trimmed.  He always had so much spunk, and he was the most talkative horse I ever had. I would go out to feed him and he would whinny to tell us how excited he was to see us. Or when my pony was alive and we would take her on a walk in our yard he would call for her to come back. They were the best of friends. My girl past away this past spring because she got sick. That was when my boy became even more important to me. I was sure he would pass away soon after her because of how close they were. He never left her side. But I didn't want to lose him. I would go sit out in the pasture and eat lunch with him, talk to him for hours, and feed him peppermints. All this, so he knew he wasn't truly alone.  

A few years ago when one of our farriers would came out, Chip would play jokes on him. The farrier would be trimming the other horses hooves and Chippy would steel his stuff. He would pick up his tool bag and run around with it and then bring it back. He would steel the farriers hat and fling it up in the air. He would try to take the farriers wallet out of his back pocket. It was so entertaining and I have never met another horse who was so silly with people, yet was scared of them.

You could always tell Chippy felt safe here, though he didn't want people touching him. He never tried to hurt us. He loved his family and I especially loved him. He was a gift from God. Some people would have never given him the chance. Some people would have said he was a useless horse. But I never once thought that about my boy.  Chippy always gave me so much joy. He loved life, no matter how hard it got at times. He fought through the abuse he suffered before we rescued him, ever cold winter, and losing his best friend.  

I can't bear to wake up every morning and look outside... He won't be there. I won't hear his whinny one last time. I won't ever get to say goodbye. I won't feel his lips tickle my hand as I feed him peppermints ever again. I won't see him sun bathing in the midst of his favorite fall days anymore. I won't get to talk to him when I'm sad and know that his listening by the way his ears stand tall as he'd look deep into my teary filled eyes. I'm sorry buddy! I should of never moved to college, I should have stayed here with you. I should have fought harder even after I thought the fight was done. I planned to have one last winter with you at least...we all did...the hay was deliver last week...we fixed the barn. I stopped being afraid that every time I saw you would be your last. It was hard to live like that, but at least I knew I would of been your last goodbye. But instead... you left this world and I didn't have a clue...I wasn't there to say my last goodbye...I wasn't there to tell you what a good boy you were and how much you meant to me.
 Rest in peace buddy! [November 28th, 2012]