I never really wanted to share this with anyone...but now that I have lost almost 70lbs and my body doesn't seem to want to lose any more weight...its started to bother me again. I didn't really lose all this weight to benefit myself. Yes, I like that I did lose that much and I look better...but its never gunna seem like enough to me. I started to realize that its kinda scary to realize I won't be able to go back to living a normal life...that could be good...but I know at the same time its not. There has always been a reason behind wanting to lose this weight. Honestly- I chose to lose this weight so they'd realize I am worth it.
That's how it all started out-- but lately that's not what it's stayed about.
I don't know exactly how to explain what has gone on lately in my life. I feel lost. I feel like I don't know where I am suppose to be, or what I am suppose to be doing...and it's probably the first time I have actually felt this way. I am back where I belong with the people I love most...yet I can't get a hold of my self. I can't seem to talk my self into believing everything is gunna be okay again. I'm scared. I'm terrified of losing my best friend. I am scared I'll have to walk away from my world again...and only to fail once again. I CAN'T FAIL. My failures cause people to be disappointed. I can't handle being told I failed someone or that I am a disappointment. I don't understand why someone would tell someone that to begin with. But I was informed that I was a big disappointment, when I gave up my world to try and better something. All it did was destroy who I am. Lately I've told people I don't know what God's purpose was for allowing me to go through that and I get the same answer...maybe it was so you can learn something...learn I am a disappointment...yah God just what I needed to find out. I know I sound mad at God, but I'm not...I am frustrated to the max. I know that I learned a few other small things...but was it really worth that pain God?
So with all that said, losing weight lately has become an outlet in my life. I've lost control of everything else and I feel like my body is the one thing I can control. I gained a few pounds back this past week and I felt devastated...I NEED this.
.Everywhere I turn these past couple of days I find God reminding me that it shouldn't matter how I look on the outside. God created me the way I am. I am loved. But it's a struggle. Sometimes after years of being made fun of for being fat, or not being good enough for someone...there comes a breaking point when you'd do ANYTHING to fix who you are...but that takes a toll on a person...physically, mentally, and emotionally.
If there's one think I've learned, it's that you don't need to be fixed. You have to accept that you are a compilation of good and bad. One thing that helped me is to pray in the morning and to tell myself that I was worthy when I would look in the mirror. Even if you don't believe, you eventually start to.
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