It's Been Awhile...Since I Thought of You

For some reason I missed you a lot this week...which didn't make it very easy to get through. Not one specific thing brought you to mind. Everything I do is a constant reminder of what you taught me and instill within me.  This week, all I could do was remember how much I wish you were still a part of my life. All the funny moments we shared rushed back to memory, and this time instead of laughter those memories only brought tears. I want to be so mad at you and forget you... but I can't.

Turns out this week [more so today] marked a big achievement for you.  

So I find it strange that I missed you so much.

Maybe-Never

Sometimes you just want a chance. The chance to feel completely loved by someone.

I've always been the girl with all the guy friends...and that's it. Don't get me wrong I love my guy friends...but sometimes watching other girls have that dating relationship and never getting a chance is heart breaking. Yeah, its probably a good thing I never had to deal with relationship drama. But God has placed so many wonderful Godly men in my path and I've been really good friends with them...but when do I get a chance. With college there comes a lot of pressure to find the one you'll spend your whole life with. After college your suppose to start your career and your family. You won't have as many opportunities to meet people. So you've got 4 maybe 5 years to find someone if you haven't by then. I've never even dated (that's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I've been okay with it.)

Now I want that chance though! I've been dealing with the thought of possibly never getting married...I don't know if I'd be okay with that or not. Honestly, I would love to just focus on the ministry God has called me to and that be it. But...Would I be happy enough doing that without someone by my side? Am I ever going to be good enough for someone? I can't answer these questions. Only God knows what's in store for my life...but I am becoming impatient and my heart is growing weary.  

I don't know if I'll ever get married. If I don't I will have to be happy enough to know that's what God wanted for me...to know that God will use that for His glory... I will have to be okay with that.

Wrestling Mind

I never really wanted to share this with anyone...but now that I have lost almost 70lbs and my body doesn't seem to want to lose any more weight...its started to bother me again. I didn't really lose all this weight to benefit myself. Yes, I like that I did lose that much and I look better...but its never gunna seem like enough to me. I started to realize that its kinda scary to realize I won't be able to go back to living a normal life...that could be good...but I know at the same time its not. There has always been a reason behind wanting to lose this weight. Honestly- I chose to lose this weight so they'd realize I am worth it.

That's how it all started out-- but lately that's not what it's stayed about.

I don't know exactly how to explain what has gone on lately in my life. I feel lost. I feel like I don't know where I am suppose to be, or what I am suppose to be doing...and it's probably the first time I have actually felt this way. I am back where I belong with the people I love most...yet I can't get a hold of my self. I can't seem to talk my self into believing everything is gunna be okay again. I'm scared. I'm terrified of losing my best friend. I am scared I'll have to walk away from my world again...and only to fail once again. I CAN'T FAIL. My failures cause people to be disappointed. I can't handle being told I failed someone or that I am a disappointment. I don't understand why someone would tell someone that to begin with. But I was informed that I was a big disappointment, when I gave up my world to try and better something. All it did was destroy who I am. Lately I've told people I don't know what God's purpose was for allowing me to go through that and I get the same answer...maybe it was so you can learn something...learn I am a disappointment...yah God just what I needed to find out. I know I sound mad at God, but I'm not...I am frustrated to the max. I know that I learned a few other small things...but was it really worth that pain God?

So with all that said, losing weight lately has become an outlet in my life. I've lost control of everything else and I feel like my body is the one thing I can control. I gained a few pounds back this past week and I felt devastated...I NEED this.

.Everywhere I turn these past couple of days I find God reminding me that it shouldn't matter how I look on the outside. God created me the way I am. I am loved. But it's a struggle. Sometimes after years of being made fun of for being fat, or not being good enough for someone...there comes a breaking point when you'd do ANYTHING to fix who you are...but that takes a toll on a person...physically, mentally, and emotionally.

My Calling

These past few months have been challenging emotionally and spiritually.  Finding out that I could have the opportunity to go follow my calling, but leave almost everything I love behind was such a struggle. But I knew God brought the opportunity to me, so I needed to give it a shot. I was very uncertain of what was gunna happen, if I was able to do it at all, or even if I would be any good at it. At times I even questioned my calling.

Unfortunately under circumstances, after only a few months I realized I had to give up this opportunity. In realizing that I couldn't stay I knew that I was gunna hurt those that I was sent to minister to. It broke my heart, because I knew they really needed/need someone in their lives in my position. But I also figured I wasn't there for very long so it would be okay...they weren't that attached. Boy...was I wrong. Which made it even harder for me to say goodbye. The only easy part about giving it up was knowing that I was going back to where I belong, to my home, back to my true family. I questioned my calling again...maybe I wasn't called to do this after all...because it was so hard for me to leave to begin with and I really don't ever want to leave again. I didn't understand why God would give me an opportunity like that and then tell me time was up in such a short period of time. I still don't quite get it, and transitioning back feels funny. I know God wants m to learn something out of this....and in a way I have...yet I feel like there is more.

Recently I have had some "God Sightings".
Through them I have to come to realize these things:
I know I am called to make my career in ministry. I'm not sure if it is "youth," but I know for sure that I am called to be a pastor of some sort within a church...more than likely within my own! I know for sure that I impacted some of my students lives for the glory of God. They really did care that I was there and they enjoyed the time that I took to invest in their lives.

We will see where God takes me from here.

Lesson: The Odd Life of Timothy Green

"Never give up"

   ---We hear this a lot. But there are times in life when you hear these words and somehow you realize you can carry on. Even when things are not going well, even when life hurts. No matter what we face we have to keep on going. It could just be something small that's to hard for us to get through, but we cant give up, not until God makes it evident that we tried, we gave it our all. More importantly we must remember never to give up on our dreams and goals in life. Because if we have a relationship with God we should dream big. So big that nothing could crush those dreams. If they are truly dreams worth having in your life, God will make them happen or your desire for them will dissipate.

"I gave them all away, that’s what you do with gifts."

 (His leaves, those things his parents wanted him to be/do were his gifts[his leaves.])

     --- All of us have special gifts and talents. We need to use them. God expects us to use them especially to honor Him. Use them to help the people around us, the things we are involved in, and in ever aspect we can. What good is it to hold on to them for ourselves?

"Here is what I know:

If you came to me and said there are two people in the world who want you more than anything. They’ll do their best, they’ll make some mistakes, and you’ll only get them for a short time. But they’ll love you more than you could ever imagine. Then when that’s true, I’d say so much is possible."

       ---God will place certain people in your life. They'll do their best for you. They wont be perfect(who is?)  Unfortunately sometimes even the greatest people we meet and love will only be around for a certain time[a season in our life.] When these people leave you its not always easy for them or for you. They do care about you, especially if God put them there for you. But sometimes God knows they need to go help other people, they need to move on for their own sake, or their time is up.