unpermitted

I didn't ask for your help. I didn't turn to you in a time of need. I didn't ask you to fix me. 

YOU. dreamt up a scenario where I wanted your help or I needed you to fix things.
UMM NO. Not only that, but you concluded that was what God wanted you to do.
THIS. because you had a crush and you wanted a way to wiggle into my world.

SMART MOVE. NOT.

Yea, right.
"God" wanted you to tell me:
That you were here to save the day because I'm struggling with the church. That you had prayed, read the Bible, and tried to figure out how to go about this. That I was in the wrong for stepping away from ministry.

HMM...SMOOTH MOVE.

NO. You are not my superman. 

NOR. will you ever be. 

CUT. the Sister/Brother-in-Christ crap. My relationship with God is just that.
I didn't ask for your accountability. I never trusted you. I never planned to let you in.
I'm NOT okay with you thinking you get to do that. It's NOT okay.

YOU DON'T GET TO BRING "GOD" INTO A SITUATION TO GET WHAT YOU WANT!!!

YOU DON'T GET TO ENTER INTO A VULNERABLE SITUATION THE WAY YOU DID!!!

FIND ANOTHER GIRL. FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL PLAY YOUR CAT-TOY TYPE GAME.

IT WONT EVER BE ME.

The Unexpected Lesson

I attended a local church on Sunday to hear a good friend preach. He did a great job! 

Three key nuggets I really appreciated:

1. You cannot out-sin grace.

2. We cant allow ourselves to be defeated even before the day begins. We have to wake up remembering who and what we are to Christ.

3. "But Jesus..." because of Jesus our lives are altered, changed, and set apart. Jesus did things that may have not been ordinary in the midst of the context but he did them with purpose.

________________________________

Furthermore - after my friend finished sharing the message...the pastor stood in front of the congregation and resigned. I witnessed the raw-real-pain that both the pastor and parishioners. I was warned beforehand that it was going to take place. But what I didn't realize is that God would use that to further my understanding of grief.

Grief is a response to loss, particularly to loss of someone or something  to which a bond or affection was formed. 

This pastor lost his wife September 2014, fifteen months later he is starting to find his way out of an overwhelming sense grief. While he may have worked through the loss of his wife, he said so much pain was experienced in the midst of missing her. He was trapped by reminders that fed the pain and sadness of her not being there anymore. He couldn't find relief being in the midst of his daily "normal" life. Walking into the church and not seeing her standing at the reception desk, or not hearing her laugh at his jokes in the sermons, or the absence of her presence on stage during worship - all triggered the grief, full swing.

God started shining a light onto the grieving process (yes, months later). The hard thought of leaving the church, after serving faithfully for years, was placed on his heart. Such a thought created fear and anger towards God, but after trying to push it away, a sense of peace swept over the pastor. God introduced a significant change in order to find relief. Relief that would continue to guide the pastor out of grief so that he could live fully the life God has for him. A path that would provide more healing and alleviate some of the agonizing pain the grieving process has put upon him.

As I sat listening to the heartfelt resignation  I couldn't help but think about the "grief" within my own life. Refusing to believe that even after so much time has past that it all still affects me. Refusing to believe that there are things that trigger such pain in my life. But while I strive to refuse it all, I find myself with a lump in my throat holding back the tears. Grief is loss. Loss can happen in many ways. I lost so many things that meant the world to me; all in an unfathomable time-frame. And, because I refused to accept it, to face my grief, there are days in which it overwhelms me. And despite my best efforts to keep pressing forward, in the same path I felt God calling me on for so long, I haven't been able to. That very journey plays the primary triggers of my grief. Though I hate change and would fight it till the cows come home - I think God wants and needs me to take a detour for awhile (fingers crossed ---awhile). My calling to church ministry is still so strong. Serving people and the church provides so much happiness to this girl's heart. Seeing ministries flourish is a fiery passion of mine. So walking away from such a context is something I've been fighting.  Yet, as I walk into a new endeavor and away from the original plan....I hear the reassurance that "it's going to be okay."  That maybe there will come a time where it'll come full circle and then things will make more sense. A time after the grieving process. A time when I will be able to full be and do all that God calls me to in the formality of church ministry. The grieving process doesn't have a specific time stamp. We all process differently at a different pace. Certain loss may need a longer grieving period than others. It's just so important that we remember to not get stuck in the grieving process. Though we've lost, our lives still continue to move on...and we have to move with it (cringing as I write that...I HATE SAYING THAT). It's hard. It takes time. It's a process. And IT'S OKAY.

So, today I walked into a church to give support to a friend -- and I left having learned more than I could've possible asked for. #grief #process #movingon #pain

Coping

READ:
Coping With Stress and Burnout in Youth Ministry: A conversation with Carmen Renee Berry | Youth Specialties | All about youth ministry.

"Before long, unless we begin by acknowledging to ourselves that we're living an addictive lifestyle, we'll hit burnout. And something will die."

Keep telling myself the age of twenty-one I shouldn't have experienced this...it's not possible. But that's a lie. It's happened. I hit the bottom. Trying to heal and recover is a hard process of which I am in. It isn't fun, it hurts.

Ministry is my world - my purpose and as it has became harmful based upon the situation...it has shook me and it's terrifying.

The road ahead is uncertain, but one thing is for sure. I have to find my way back.

HOPEFULLY sooner rather than later.

Amnesia

I wish that I could wake up with Amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things. 

If I could just wake up with amnesia - this pain, heartache, and sad thoughts would no long exist within my mind. But while I would forget all those moments instilled into me, I would also forget the good times. I would forget all the amazing people I've grown to love. I'd cease to remember the fun had with them and all the intimate times shared. I wouldn't remember all the things they've taught me. I wouldn't be the same "gifted-talented" person people seem to think I am. I would not know how to do the things I love to do. I would restart life's thought process, apart from the basic innate abilities.

So would I really want to wake up with amnesia?
I wish the answer was YES.
PLEASE. EASY CHOICE.
But it's not.

Learning to work through the pain staking moments life has and will bring my way. 

A Parallel Exhortation

Jesus sought guidance and strategy from His father through prayer:

God spoke  and reminded Jesus that although things looked like he should stay in this town where people were readily responding, the other towns needed him as well. It was time to go, contrary to the disciples pleading with him to stay there to capitalize on the success he was having. 

It's been a rough go this year. 2014 will probably go down as one of the most challenging years of my life - and rightfully so.  The struggle of many trials, much heartache, and change have simply stripped me. Wiped me clean of joy and fiery passion. Needing for things to get better I've spent much time praying, studying, seeking (wise) advice, striving to hear God, and trying to discover direction.

The exhortation above is parallel to what God has been trying to help me realize.

It has been a long time coming - and it deeply saddens me to say I've had to walked away from my town. The town were I invested so much of my life. The town I felt safe in, the one I had big dreams for. But even more so, I've had to walk away from this town where the people meant the world to me. These people I've served and served alongside of. The people I've loved as MY FAMILY. The people who invested in me for almost 11 years. The people who helped shape me and make me the person I am today. These people (and ministries) that I've poured my life into for the sake of God's Kingdom -I am sadly leaving behind because God has spoke. Reminding me through many avenues, that JUST like Jesus - there are other towns. Times up. "It's time to go." 

I've been reluctant and probably disobedient for a bit too long. I've had a lot of success inside those safe walls. I've learned more about ministry than most any 21 year old would care to (both good and bad), inside that town. I've developed my gifts and abilities within those city limits. There are people and "little people" who mean the world to me  -who I don't want to leave behind. I don't want to miss seeing them grow. I don't want to miss out on impacting them. I don't want to miss seeing them form into the person God intends for them to be. I planted my heart there, with them- and yet it's time. Time for me to leave the harvest for someone else to tend.

Wise councilmen -who also double as my friends/mentors have given me this advice:

"It's a big world and there's more to it than just my little town.""Let God direct your decisions."

They've both constantly reminded me that God will do big things if I just let Him.
It may seem scary. I may experience uncertainty. But I need to trust and place my faith God.