Memory-drawing

This semester I took a drawing class. I've always loved art, and I love being creative. As finals rolled around we had the opportunity to choose what we wanted to draw. So naturally my mind went straight to the idea of drawing something for someone I love to give to them for Christmas.

As I worked hard to brainstorm ideas and put concepts together I began the process of creating a work of art. Weeks pasted and I poured hours into my art - as any perfectionist would do. If I was going to give this project to someone I love, I wanted it to be perfect.

In the back of my mind though I was plagued with a memory I will probably never forget. As a little girl I use to draw/color photos for my dad, then give them to him when I would see him. One time I was proudly coloring a photo for him at his house and as I finished I wrote -
To: Dad
Love: Cassie
Then I walked up to my dad and gave it to him.
At that moment my dad told me he didn't want anymore pictures - he was tired of them and didn't know what to do with them except throw them away.
My little heart was crushed. But even back then I held in the tears, tried to swallow the frog in my throat, and act like everything was okay. Since that day I've struggled with the concept of drawing or creating works of art to give people.

Nevertheless with this drawing I wanted to do a good job. I wanted to give my best friend/mentor/true father figure a work of art that he'd truly enjoy having. It was a struggle because it had to be perfect - not only due to my perfectionism. I wanted him to know I worked hard to create this especially for him. I appreciate him, I care for him, and he means the world to me.

My second final drawing is for my outstanding soccer coach - who I look up to and enjoy getting to work for. He is so compassionate and understanding.  Even though he's young he has so much wise advice to give. I can talk to him about anything and he's always there with open ears. 

I know.

I've come to realize that I don't belong here. I never have and I never will. I'll never be important to someone. I'll never fit in. I've watched time and time again people walk out of my life. I wasn't good enough to keep around - no matter how hard I tried to make them happy or how much love I poured into them. Even the people I cared most about decided I wasn't worth it anymore, even after years of enjoying life by their side. The people I trusted with ever fiber of my being, the people I loved more than anyone else. When I needed them most, I watched them walk the other way.

Unfortunately, I have to come the conclusion that I won't mean anything to anyone - I wasn't put on earth for people to love, to care about, or to live happily-ever-after. I was put here to serve and love others. It doesn't matter if people hurt or ridicule me. It doesn't matter at all...because they will. It's inevitable. I have a purpose. I'm here to represent the Kingdom of God, despite it all. I may never be good enough for anyone on earth - but I am good enough for God. It's hard. It's hard to know I'll give my whole life for others and experience heartbreak like no other. But that's what Jesus did for us.

I don't ever desire for someone to experience the hurt and gut wrenching feeling of not having someone care about them. We live in a world with 7 billion people. Yet people are so caught up in themselves or what others say that many people will leave the world feeling hopelessly alone -all because people don't care how badly they hurt someone else as long as they save their own skin.

Self-Examination

Tonight I read the title of my assigned reading for my Evangelism & Discipleship class, instantly I felt I didn't want to read this stupid chapter...I HATE IT! But I read on, then in an instant I was balling my eyes out.

The first few paragraphs gripped my heart so much that I thought I would share it:

"There comes a time in the spiritual life when one of the major things God is up to is to loving help us see ourselves more clearly. This is a most challenging element of the spiritual life, one that most of us shrink from with more than a little bit of dread. Some of us have been so shaped by shame-based family or church systems that we resist entering into deeper levels of self-knowledge for fear of feeling debilitated by shame or swept away by remorse. For others, our sense of worth is so fragile or our perfectionism so pronounced that we are not sure we could bear facing the truth of our own darkness without becoming completely unraveled. 
And yet one of the deepest longings of the human heart is to be known and loved unconditionally. We long to know that someone in this world knows everything about us and loves us anyway. Beyond the surface affirmations that come through our achievements and social contacts, we long to be seen and celebrated for that which is deeply good and worthwhile in us, and we long for a love that is strong enough to contain our frailty and sinfulness. Something in us knows that such love is a transforming power.
The problem is that most of us aren't wiling to take the risk of being so completely. There is always something we're hiding for fear that we will be rejected in the end. We may have gotten close to the possibility of this kind of love at one time or another, but we haven't known how to let it penetrate our defenses so that we can receive it. All of us would prefer to have the experience of unconditional love without having to take the risk of letting someone know us that well!
The desire and the need for unconditional love are heightened as we become more aware of those places where we are not like Christ - an inevitability of spiritual journey. As we become more spiritually attuned, we become painfully aware of how negative thought patterns and relating patterns hurt ourselves and others. We see the places where we are incapable of love and true self-giving. We realize that our responses to wounds we've received have caused us to become hard and self-protective. We notice the subtleties of our jealousies  our mean-spiritedness, our manipulations, our controlling ways, and our mistrust of God and others that keeps us from giving ourselves wholeheartedly  Having tried every self-help approach we know, we are devastated to admit that real, fundamental change is beyond our reach. The heart cries out to be free from its bondage."

Important

There is someone that I look up to, that I trust more than anyone, and that I have learned so much from. I've not known him my whole life, but I wish I had. He has impacted me more in the past 10 years than anyone else here on earth has. I like to call him my best friend...but that doesn't do it justice... because he isn't my best friend. He is my hero, my biggest role model, and rightfully so my father figure. But to jam-pack all that he is into one... I use the term best friend. People don't get it -so I find its important to explain that's what he is. I never in a million years would have thought he would be so important to me or play such a big role in who I've become. To be honest at first he was just another scary person. (Since people have always scared me.) But over the years my trust in him grew, and he became so influential in my life. He's one of the very few people I can trust. Though there have been times he's yelled at me for being stupid, or when I've annoyed the heck out of him...I wouldn't trade all that for the world. With those moments I saw what a great dad he would of been, and what a great father figure he has been to me. I've only ever desired to make him proud of who I have become...especially since he has played such a significant role in my life. He has constantly supported me in whatever dreams or goals I've wanted to achieve. He came to numerous soccer games, long drawn out band concerts, and other school activities...that my parents never really cared to attend. He has taught me so much about who God is, not only because that's his job...but because I've seen him grow more to be like Christ in ever challenge and obstacle he has faced. I've learned how to brave and strong because of the example he has set forth. I've learned how to care about people, and how to treat even those who I cannot stand. He has taught me that life wont always be easy, but it'll be worth the ride if you just hold on tight enough. I've learned that people will hurt others, they will destroy them if they get the chance...but DON'T EVER let them get the best of you. DON'T EVER let what others say control your actions...yea he has taught a lot.

I wish I would have had the privileged of calling him dad...or therefore daddy. I wish he would have been the one to coach my little league teams, teach me how to tie my shoes, take me to the big games, tuck me in at night, and most of all to tell me that he was proud of his little girl. But God didn't seem to put that in the plans for either of us. Nether one of us will ever have those memories. God did know that these past 10 years and many years to come that I would need him. I would need him to talk to, to teach me things nobody else ever has, to yell at me when I'm stupid, and to set forth a godly example.

I wish that people understood that I look up to him like I do and that he's so important to me.

Yes, I trust him and not just for any old reason.

God Made Her Special

This girl was specially handcrafted by God.

She was made with an uncommon mind and such a unique heart.
She understands more than most people her age should.
She's observant beyond belief.
She can see what people are thinking or feeling without even having to exchange a single word.

God made her special

When she loves someone, on any level, she loves them deep. (That's why it doesn't happen all to often.) Shallow love makes her sick.
She knows heartbreak oh too well, not because of boys...but because the people she loved let her down or they decided she wasn't good enough to have around.
She knows her heart is special because when it breaks, it brings physically pain.
When she hurts, you can see it in her eyes, because they change bright blue or bright green when she cries.

God made her special.

You can count on less than one hand the amount of people she has fully ever placed her trust in.
She doesn't talk to just anyone, let alone anyone. But you wanna bet she'll always be there to help you when you need a hand.
God gave her a tremendous amount of talent, and not once has she taken that for granted.
She doesn't fit in, no not at all. But God created her to always stand tall.

God made her special

It's Been Awhile...Since I Thought of You

For some reason I missed you a lot this week...which didn't make it very easy to get through. Not one specific thing brought you to mind. Everything I do is a constant reminder of what you taught me and instill within me.  This week, all I could do was remember how much I wish you were still a part of my life. All the funny moments we shared rushed back to memory, and this time instead of laughter those memories only brought tears. I want to be so mad at you and forget you... but I can't.

Turns out this week [more so today] marked a big achievement for you.  

So I find it strange that I missed you so much.

Maybe-Never

Sometimes you just want a chance. The chance to feel completely loved by someone.

I've always been the girl with all the guy friends...and that's it. Don't get me wrong I love my guy friends...but sometimes watching other girls have that dating relationship and never getting a chance is heart breaking. Yeah, its probably a good thing I never had to deal with relationship drama. But God has placed so many wonderful Godly men in my path and I've been really good friends with them...but when do I get a chance. With college there comes a lot of pressure to find the one you'll spend your whole life with. After college your suppose to start your career and your family. You won't have as many opportunities to meet people. So you've got 4 maybe 5 years to find someone if you haven't by then. I've never even dated (that's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I've been okay with it.)

Now I want that chance though! I've been dealing with the thought of possibly never getting married...I don't know if I'd be okay with that or not. Honestly, I would love to just focus on the ministry God has called me to and that be it. But...Would I be happy enough doing that without someone by my side? Am I ever going to be good enough for someone? I can't answer these questions. Only God knows what's in store for my life...but I am becoming impatient and my heart is growing weary.  

I don't know if I'll ever get married. If I don't I will have to be happy enough to know that's what God wanted for me...to know that God will use that for His glory... I will have to be okay with that.

Wrestling Mind

I never really wanted to share this with anyone...but now that I have lost almost 70lbs and my body doesn't seem to want to lose any more weight...its started to bother me again. I didn't really lose all this weight to benefit myself. Yes, I like that I did lose that much and I look better...but its never gunna seem like enough to me. I started to realize that its kinda scary to realize I won't be able to go back to living a normal life...that could be good...but I know at the same time its not. There has always been a reason behind wanting to lose this weight. Honestly- I chose to lose this weight so they'd realize I am worth it.

That's how it all started out-- but lately that's not what it's stayed about.

I don't know exactly how to explain what has gone on lately in my life. I feel lost. I feel like I don't know where I am suppose to be, or what I am suppose to be doing...and it's probably the first time I have actually felt this way. I am back where I belong with the people I love most...yet I can't get a hold of my self. I can't seem to talk my self into believing everything is gunna be okay again. I'm scared. I'm terrified of losing my best friend. I am scared I'll have to walk away from my world again...and only to fail once again. I CAN'T FAIL. My failures cause people to be disappointed. I can't handle being told I failed someone or that I am a disappointment. I don't understand why someone would tell someone that to begin with. But I was informed that I was a big disappointment, when I gave up my world to try and better something. All it did was destroy who I am. Lately I've told people I don't know what God's purpose was for allowing me to go through that and I get the same answer...maybe it was so you can learn something...learn I am a disappointment...yah God just what I needed to find out. I know I sound mad at God, but I'm not...I am frustrated to the max. I know that I learned a few other small things...but was it really worth that pain God?

So with all that said, losing weight lately has become an outlet in my life. I've lost control of everything else and I feel like my body is the one thing I can control. I gained a few pounds back this past week and I felt devastated...I NEED this.

.Everywhere I turn these past couple of days I find God reminding me that it shouldn't matter how I look on the outside. God created me the way I am. I am loved. But it's a struggle. Sometimes after years of being made fun of for being fat, or not being good enough for someone...there comes a breaking point when you'd do ANYTHING to fix who you are...but that takes a toll on a person...physically, mentally, and emotionally.

My Calling

These past few months have been challenging emotionally and spiritually.  Finding out that I could have the opportunity to go follow my calling, but leave almost everything I love behind was such a struggle. But I knew God brought the opportunity to me, so I needed to give it a shot. I was very uncertain of what was gunna happen, if I was able to do it at all, or even if I would be any good at it. At times I even questioned my calling.

Unfortunately under circumstances, after only a few months I realized I had to give up this opportunity. In realizing that I couldn't stay I knew that I was gunna hurt those that I was sent to minister to. It broke my heart, because I knew they really needed/need someone in their lives in my position. But I also figured I wasn't there for very long so it would be okay...they weren't that attached. Boy...was I wrong. Which made it even harder for me to say goodbye. The only easy part about giving it up was knowing that I was going back to where I belong, to my home, back to my true family. I questioned my calling again...maybe I wasn't called to do this after all...because it was so hard for me to leave to begin with and I really don't ever want to leave again. I didn't understand why God would give me an opportunity like that and then tell me time was up in such a short period of time. I still don't quite get it, and transitioning back feels funny. I know God wants m to learn something out of this....and in a way I have...yet I feel like there is more.

Recently I have had some "God Sightings".
Through them I have to come to realize these things:
I know I am called to make my career in ministry. I'm not sure if it is "youth," but I know for sure that I am called to be a pastor of some sort within a church...more than likely within my own! I know for sure that I impacted some of my students lives for the glory of God. They really did care that I was there and they enjoyed the time that I took to invest in their lives.

We will see where God takes me from here.

Lesson: The Odd Life of Timothy Green

"Never give up"

   ---We hear this a lot. But there are times in life when you hear these words and somehow you realize you can carry on. Even when things are not going well, even when life hurts. No matter what we face we have to keep on going. It could just be something small that's to hard for us to get through, but we cant give up, not until God makes it evident that we tried, we gave it our all. More importantly we must remember never to give up on our dreams and goals in life. Because if we have a relationship with God we should dream big. So big that nothing could crush those dreams. If they are truly dreams worth having in your life, God will make them happen or your desire for them will dissipate.

"I gave them all away, that’s what you do with gifts."

 (His leaves, those things his parents wanted him to be/do were his gifts[his leaves.])

     --- All of us have special gifts and talents. We need to use them. God expects us to use them especially to honor Him. Use them to help the people around us, the things we are involved in, and in ever aspect we can. What good is it to hold on to them for ourselves?

"Here is what I know:

If you came to me and said there are two people in the world who want you more than anything. They’ll do their best, they’ll make some mistakes, and you’ll only get them for a short time. But they’ll love you more than you could ever imagine. Then when that’s true, I’d say so much is possible."

       ---God will place certain people in your life. They'll do their best for you. They wont be perfect(who is?)  Unfortunately sometimes even the greatest people we meet and love will only be around for a certain time[a season in our life.] When these people leave you its not always easy for them or for you. They do care about you, especially if God put them there for you. But sometimes God knows they need to go help other people, they need to move on for their own sake, or their time is up.