Amnesia

I wish that I could wake up with Amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things. 

If I could just wake up with amnesia - this pain, heartache, and sad thoughts would no long exist within my mind. But while I would forget all those moments instilled into me, I would also forget the good times. I would forget all the amazing people I've grown to love. I'd cease to remember the fun had with them and all the intimate times shared. I wouldn't remember all the things they've taught me. I wouldn't be the same "gifted-talented" person people seem to think I am. I would not know how to do the things I love to do. I would restart life's thought process, apart from the basic innate abilities.

So would I really want to wake up with amnesia?
I wish the answer was YES.
PLEASE. EASY CHOICE.
But it's not.

Learning to work through the pain staking moments life has and will bring my way. 

A Parallel Exhortation

Jesus sought guidance and strategy from His father through prayer:

God spoke  and reminded Jesus that although things looked like he should stay in this town where people were readily responding, the other towns needed him as well. It was time to go, contrary to the disciples pleading with him to stay there to capitalize on the success he was having. 

It's been a rough go this year. 2014 will probably go down as one of the most challenging years of my life - and rightfully so.  The struggle of many trials, much heartache, and change have simply stripped me. Wiped me clean of joy and fiery passion. Needing for things to get better I've spent much time praying, studying, seeking (wise) advice, striving to hear God, and trying to discover direction.

The exhortation above is parallel to what God has been trying to help me realize.

It has been a long time coming - and it deeply saddens me to say I've had to walked away from my town. The town were I invested so much of my life. The town I felt safe in, the one I had big dreams for. But even more so, I've had to walk away from this town where the people meant the world to me. These people I've served and served alongside of. The people I've loved as MY FAMILY. The people who invested in me for almost 11 years. The people who helped shape me and make me the person I am today. These people (and ministries) that I've poured my life into for the sake of God's Kingdom -I am sadly leaving behind because God has spoke. Reminding me through many avenues, that JUST like Jesus - there are other towns. Times up. "It's time to go." 

I've been reluctant and probably disobedient for a bit too long. I've had a lot of success inside those safe walls. I've learned more about ministry than most any 21 year old would care to (both good and bad), inside that town. I've developed my gifts and abilities within those city limits. There are people and "little people" who mean the world to me  -who I don't want to leave behind. I don't want to miss seeing them grow. I don't want to miss out on impacting them. I don't want to miss seeing them form into the person God intends for them to be. I planted my heart there, with them- and yet it's time. Time for me to leave the harvest for someone else to tend.

Wise councilmen -who also double as my friends/mentors have given me this advice:

"It's a big world and there's more to it than just my little town.""Let God direct your decisions."

They've both constantly reminded me that God will do big things if I just let Him.
It may seem scary. I may experience uncertainty. But I need to trust and place my faith God.

Today it became real.

Today it became real.

My partner-in-crime stood in front of our church family this morning and announced his departure.
Packed up his office and shredded old documents.

From church ministry back into the classroom full-time.

I've known for some time now about him leaving. Yet with every passing day- I swallowed a little harder, tried not to cry (to much), and hope that this day would never come. He is one person I prayed would never disappear from my life because he's played such a supportive role in who I've become.

He has been my youth pastor, friend, mentor, father figure, coworker, and most importantly someone I've actually trusted with anything. We are a lot alike and spending almost 11 years interacting may have something to do with that. I've picked up a lot of his quirks, sense of humor, and habits (good&bad). He's taught me so much about ministry, sports, and life in general (probably math, spelling, & grammar too). I've learned a lot of important life lessons from him. He has shown me what it's like to be a part of a family who loves/cares for each other - one that takes time to support those they love. He's been a superb example of what a Godly father and man should look like. 

11 years ago,  never would I have thought that this man would become such a big part of my life. He actually scared me -as most people did. He taught me things he probably has no idea he ever did. He taught me to be brave. To take chances. Give people a 2nd (maybe even a 3rd or 4th) chance no matter how badly they hurt you. He taught me how to trust. That life wont always be easy. Trust God wholeheartedly. Obey God and His plan for your life will be evident -may not always be what you expected. He never hesitated to make sure I knew how talented and gifted God created me. That I knew God gave me a purpose, even when life feels empty and pointless.

Yet over the past 11 years, the most important thing he's instilled in me, is that I was merely loved. Loved even when I screwed up or let him down. Loved in the most innocent, pure, Godly way -just as I loved him in return. ** 

**A lot of people don't get it -they never have. They've placed their own judgement and assumptions on our friendship (relationship) over the years. Yet if I were to look at their lives they've had someone who's in fact played such a role in their life, as He has in my life. Wasn't worth fighting with others, because our friendship was just that, a friendship.

Saying goodbye; This isn't gunna be easy.
My world is going to be a little darker, a little less joyful, and disheartening as I learn to manage without him by my side. It been a struggle the past few weeks as he hasn't been around as he is trying to get things in order to teach again. While it is sad, I know he is doing something that brings him joy. That's been one thing I've tried to hold to - When you love someone, you want them to be happy. He lights up when we have conversations about this opportunity. It's not something he sought out either. This opportunity was placed before him by God and God alone. So while I'm mad, sad, crushed I know he is obeying the call God has placed on him...and I have to be okay with that. He is going to be happy. He's going to be doing something he loves, living out his dream (again)-one that was stripped from him in such a unjust way.

One thing I can say for sure: God has proven faithful in the events of Mark's life

Memory-drawing

This semester I took a drawing class. I've always loved art, and I love being creative. As finals rolled around we had the opportunity to choose what we wanted to draw. So naturally my mind went straight to the idea of drawing something for someone I love to give to them for Christmas.

As I worked hard to brainstorm ideas and put concepts together I began the process of creating a work of art. Weeks pasted and I poured hours into my art - as any perfectionist would do. If I was going to give this project to someone I love, I wanted it to be perfect.

In the back of my mind though I was plagued with a memory I will probably never forget. As a little girl I use to draw/color photos for my dad, then give them to him when I would see him. One time I was proudly coloring a photo for him at his house and as I finished I wrote -
To: Dad
Love: Cassie
Then I walked up to my dad and gave it to him.
At that moment my dad told me he didn't want anymore pictures - he was tired of them and didn't know what to do with them except throw them away.
My little heart was crushed. But even back then I held in the tears, tried to swallow the frog in my throat, and act like everything was okay. Since that day I've struggled with the concept of drawing or creating works of art to give people.

Nevertheless with this drawing I wanted to do a good job. I wanted to give my best friend/mentor/true father figure a work of art that he'd truly enjoy having. It was a struggle because it had to be perfect - not only due to my perfectionism. I wanted him to know I worked hard to create this especially for him. I appreciate him, I care for him, and he means the world to me.

My second final drawing is for my outstanding soccer coach - who I look up to and enjoy getting to work for. He is so compassionate and understanding.  Even though he's young he has so much wise advice to give. I can talk to him about anything and he's always there with open ears. 

I know.

I've come to realize that I don't belong here. I never have and I never will. I'll never be important to someone. I'll never fit in. I've watched time and time again people walk out of my life. I wasn't good enough to keep around - no matter how hard I tried to make them happy or how much love I poured into them. Even the people I cared most about decided I wasn't worth it anymore, even after years of enjoying life by their side. The people I trusted with ever fiber of my being, the people I loved more than anyone else. When I needed them most, I watched them walk the other way.

Unfortunately, I have to come the conclusion that I won't mean anything to anyone - I wasn't put on earth for people to love, to care about, or to live happily-ever-after. I was put here to serve and love others. It doesn't matter if people hurt or ridicule me. It doesn't matter at all...because they will. It's inevitable. I have a purpose. I'm here to represent the Kingdom of God, despite it all. I may never be good enough for anyone on earth - but I am good enough for God. It's hard. It's hard to know I'll give my whole life for others and experience heartbreak like no other. But that's what Jesus did for us.

I don't ever desire for someone to experience the hurt and gut wrenching feeling of not having someone care about them. We live in a world with 7 billion people. Yet people are so caught up in themselves or what others say that many people will leave the world feeling hopelessly alone -all because people don't care how badly they hurt someone else as long as they save their own skin.