The Unexpected Lesson

I attended a local church on Sunday to hear a good friend preach. He did a great job! 

Three key nuggets I really appreciated:

1. You cannot out-sin grace.

2. We cant allow ourselves to be defeated even before the day begins. We have to wake up remembering who and what we are to Christ.

3. "But Jesus..." because of Jesus our lives are altered, changed, and set apart. Jesus did things that may have not been ordinary in the midst of the context but he did them with purpose.

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Furthermore - after my friend finished sharing the message...the pastor stood in front of the congregation and resigned. I witnessed the raw-real-pain that both the pastor and parishioners. I was warned beforehand that it was going to take place. But what I didn't realize is that God would use that to further my understanding of grief.

Grief is a response to loss, particularly to loss of someone or something  to which a bond or affection was formed. 

This pastor lost his wife September 2014, fifteen months later he is starting to find his way out of an overwhelming sense grief. While he may have worked through the loss of his wife, he said so much pain was experienced in the midst of missing her. He was trapped by reminders that fed the pain and sadness of her not being there anymore. He couldn't find relief being in the midst of his daily "normal" life. Walking into the church and not seeing her standing at the reception desk, or not hearing her laugh at his jokes in the sermons, or the absence of her presence on stage during worship - all triggered the grief, full swing.

God started shining a light onto the grieving process (yes, months later). The hard thought of leaving the church, after serving faithfully for years, was placed on his heart. Such a thought created fear and anger towards God, but after trying to push it away, a sense of peace swept over the pastor. God introduced a significant change in order to find relief. Relief that would continue to guide the pastor out of grief so that he could live fully the life God has for him. A path that would provide more healing and alleviate some of the agonizing pain the grieving process has put upon him.

As I sat listening to the heartfelt resignation  I couldn't help but think about the "grief" within my own life. Refusing to believe that even after so much time has past that it all still affects me. Refusing to believe that there are things that trigger such pain in my life. But while I strive to refuse it all, I find myself with a lump in my throat holding back the tears. Grief is loss. Loss can happen in many ways. I lost so many things that meant the world to me; all in an unfathomable time-frame. And, because I refused to accept it, to face my grief, there are days in which it overwhelms me. And despite my best efforts to keep pressing forward, in the same path I felt God calling me on for so long, I haven't been able to. That very journey plays the primary triggers of my grief. Though I hate change and would fight it till the cows come home - I think God wants and needs me to take a detour for awhile (fingers crossed ---awhile). My calling to church ministry is still so strong. Serving people and the church provides so much happiness to this girl's heart. Seeing ministries flourish is a fiery passion of mine. So walking away from such a context is something I've been fighting.  Yet, as I walk into a new endeavor and away from the original plan....I hear the reassurance that "it's going to be okay."  That maybe there will come a time where it'll come full circle and then things will make more sense. A time after the grieving process. A time when I will be able to full be and do all that God calls me to in the formality of church ministry. The grieving process doesn't have a specific time stamp. We all process differently at a different pace. Certain loss may need a longer grieving period than others. It's just so important that we remember to not get stuck in the grieving process. Though we've lost, our lives still continue to move on...and we have to move with it (cringing as I write that...I HATE SAYING THAT). It's hard. It takes time. It's a process. And IT'S OKAY.

So, today I walked into a church to give support to a friend -- and I left having learned more than I could've possible asked for. #grief #process #movingon #pain

Coping

READ:
Coping With Stress and Burnout in Youth Ministry: A conversation with Carmen Renee Berry | Youth Specialties | All about youth ministry.

"Before long, unless we begin by acknowledging to ourselves that we're living an addictive lifestyle, we'll hit burnout. And something will die."

Keep telling myself the age of twenty-one I shouldn't have experienced this...it's not possible. But that's a lie. It's happened. I hit the bottom. Trying to heal and recover is a hard process of which I am in. It isn't fun, it hurts.

Ministry is my world - my purpose and as it has became harmful based upon the situation...it has shook me and it's terrifying.

The road ahead is uncertain, but one thing is for sure. I have to find my way back.

HOPEFULLY sooner rather than later.