I know.

I've come to realize that I don't belong here. I never have and I never will. I'll never be important to someone. I'll never fit in. I've watched time and time again people walk out of my life. I wasn't good enough to keep around - no matter how hard I tried to make them happy or how much love I poured into them. Even the people I cared most about decided I wasn't worth it anymore, even after years of enjoying life by their side. The people I trusted with ever fiber of my being, the people I loved more than anyone else. When I needed them most, I watched them walk the other way.

Unfortunately, I have to come the conclusion that I won't mean anything to anyone - I wasn't put on earth for people to love, to care about, or to live happily-ever-after. I was put here to serve and love others. It doesn't matter if people hurt or ridicule me. It doesn't matter at all...because they will. It's inevitable. I have a purpose. I'm here to represent the Kingdom of God, despite it all. I may never be good enough for anyone on earth - but I am good enough for God. It's hard. It's hard to know I'll give my whole life for others and experience heartbreak like no other. But that's what Jesus did for us.

I don't ever desire for someone to experience the hurt and gut wrenching feeling of not having someone care about them. We live in a world with 7 billion people. Yet people are so caught up in themselves or what others say that many people will leave the world feeling hopelessly alone -all because people don't care how badly they hurt someone else as long as they save their own skin.

Self-Examination

Tonight I read the title of my assigned reading for my Evangelism & Discipleship class, instantly I felt I didn't want to read this stupid chapter...I HATE IT! But I read on, then in an instant I was balling my eyes out.

The first few paragraphs gripped my heart so much that I thought I would share it:

"There comes a time in the spiritual life when one of the major things God is up to is to loving help us see ourselves more clearly. This is a most challenging element of the spiritual life, one that most of us shrink from with more than a little bit of dread. Some of us have been so shaped by shame-based family or church systems that we resist entering into deeper levels of self-knowledge for fear of feeling debilitated by shame or swept away by remorse. For others, our sense of worth is so fragile or our perfectionism so pronounced that we are not sure we could bear facing the truth of our own darkness without becoming completely unraveled. 
And yet one of the deepest longings of the human heart is to be known and loved unconditionally. We long to know that someone in this world knows everything about us and loves us anyway. Beyond the surface affirmations that come through our achievements and social contacts, we long to be seen and celebrated for that which is deeply good and worthwhile in us, and we long for a love that is strong enough to contain our frailty and sinfulness. Something in us knows that such love is a transforming power.
The problem is that most of us aren't wiling to take the risk of being so completely. There is always something we're hiding for fear that we will be rejected in the end. We may have gotten close to the possibility of this kind of love at one time or another, but we haven't known how to let it penetrate our defenses so that we can receive it. All of us would prefer to have the experience of unconditional love without having to take the risk of letting someone know us that well!
The desire and the need for unconditional love are heightened as we become more aware of those places where we are not like Christ - an inevitability of spiritual journey. As we become more spiritually attuned, we become painfully aware of how negative thought patterns and relating patterns hurt ourselves and others. We see the places where we are incapable of love and true self-giving. We realize that our responses to wounds we've received have caused us to become hard and self-protective. We notice the subtleties of our jealousies  our mean-spiritedness, our manipulations, our controlling ways, and our mistrust of God and others that keeps us from giving ourselves wholeheartedly  Having tried every self-help approach we know, we are devastated to admit that real, fundamental change is beyond our reach. The heart cries out to be free from its bondage."

Important

There is someone that I look up to, that I trust more than anyone, and that I have learned so much from. I've not known him my whole life, but I wish I had. He has impacted me more in the past 10 years than anyone else here on earth has. I like to call him my best friend...but that doesn't do it justice... because he isn't my best friend. He is my hero, my biggest role model, and rightfully so my father figure. But to jam-pack all that he is into one... I use the term best friend. People don't get it -so I find its important to explain that's what he is. I never in a million years would have thought he would be so important to me or play such a big role in who I've become. To be honest at first he was just another scary person. (Since people have always scared me.) But over the years my trust in him grew, and he became so influential in my life. He's one of the very few people I can trust. Though there have been times he's yelled at me for being stupid, or when I've annoyed the heck out of him...I wouldn't trade all that for the world. With those moments I saw what a great dad he would of been, and what a great father figure he has been to me. I've only ever desired to make him proud of who I have become...especially since he has played such a significant role in my life. He has constantly supported me in whatever dreams or goals I've wanted to achieve. He came to numerous soccer games, long drawn out band concerts, and other school activities...that my parents never really cared to attend. He has taught me so much about who God is, not only because that's his job...but because I've seen him grow more to be like Christ in ever challenge and obstacle he has faced. I've learned how to brave and strong because of the example he has set forth. I've learned how to care about people, and how to treat even those who I cannot stand. He has taught me that life wont always be easy, but it'll be worth the ride if you just hold on tight enough. I've learned that people will hurt others, they will destroy them if they get the chance...but DON'T EVER let them get the best of you. DON'T EVER let what others say control your actions...yea he has taught a lot.

I wish I would have had the privileged of calling him dad...or therefore daddy. I wish he would have been the one to coach my little league teams, teach me how to tie my shoes, take me to the big games, tuck me in at night, and most of all to tell me that he was proud of his little girl. But God didn't seem to put that in the plans for either of us. Nether one of us will ever have those memories. God did know that these past 10 years and many years to come that I would need him. I would need him to talk to, to teach me things nobody else ever has, to yell at me when I'm stupid, and to set forth a godly example.

I wish that people understood that I look up to him like I do and that he's so important to me.

Yes, I trust him and not just for any old reason.

God Made Her Special

This girl was specially handcrafted by God.

She was made with an uncommon mind and such a unique heart.
She understands more than most people her age should.
She's observant beyond belief.
She can see what people are thinking or feeling without even having to exchange a single word.

God made her special

When she loves someone, on any level, she loves them deep. (That's why it doesn't happen all to often.) Shallow love makes her sick.
She knows heartbreak oh too well, not because of boys...but because the people she loved let her down or they decided she wasn't good enough to have around.
She knows her heart is special because when it breaks, it brings physically pain.
When she hurts, you can see it in her eyes, because they change bright blue or bright green when she cries.

God made her special.

You can count on less than one hand the amount of people she has fully ever placed her trust in.
She doesn't talk to just anyone, let alone anyone. But you wanna bet she'll always be there to help you when you need a hand.
God gave her a tremendous amount of talent, and not once has she taken that for granted.
She doesn't fit in, no not at all. But God created her to always stand tall.

God made her special

It's Been Awhile...Since I Thought of You

For some reason I missed you a lot this week...which didn't make it very easy to get through. Not one specific thing brought you to mind. Everything I do is a constant reminder of what you taught me and instill within me.  This week, all I could do was remember how much I wish you were still a part of my life. All the funny moments we shared rushed back to memory, and this time instead of laughter those memories only brought tears. I want to be so mad at you and forget you... but I can't.

Turns out this week [more so today] marked a big achievement for you.  

So I find it strange that I missed you so much.